Here I sit, and here I stew. This morning was an uncomfortable experience, as I sat at home considering my options. I have an injured arm that can bear little load or reach proper extension. With a marathon to attend in another state, I needed to start packing and organising my race kit. However the race I wanted to attend was under threat, due to massive amounts of rain. I felt underform and unmotivated. Things looked grim.
Marathon mountain biking can bring out an array of emotions, however I was getting only the poor ones. Self doubt, low motivation, apathy, anxiety and apprehension. What if we drove down and couldn’t pass flooded roads? What if I couldn’t hold the handlebars once already committed to the race? What if I crashed due to fatigue? Worse still, what if I absolutely crept as I feel like I’m in a form slump?
After self medicating with a coffee and couch double dose, I knew what I had to do. I needed to pull the pin. Waiting for an answer as to whether the race was on or not was killing me. There is a part of me that enjoys planning and control, and that’s what I needed to get myself out of this downward spiral. A decision needed to be made. Not from the weather, not from the race organiser, not from someone else. This needed to come from myself. I had to assert control and take back my Friday morning.
DNS. Did Not Start. In someways this is a more dirty scenario than the DNF tagline against your name on a results sheet. You haven’t tried, you haven’t attempted the race. You have been beaten before you even started. No matter the reasons, you have lost. Perhaps you didn’t organise yourself well enough. The race, the course, your competitors, or even life has you beaten. It’s grim. The brief elation in taking ownership of your decisions passes when reality sets in. The easy option has been taken.
As the afternoon came around, the race was cancelled anyway, as a complication of the bad weather that South East Australia has been experiencing. But I find no relief in this. My decision was made prior to the decision by the race organisers.
I was beaten.
My choice was made.
I chose to not start.
DNS. This shit doesn’t wash off in the shower.